The Fear of NO Change....

So as you know I am on a journey to loss weight and it's going...slowly but again I am having my fear.  This fear is the same fear that has derailed every other attempt to loose weight in the past, the fear of no change.

 What do I mean by this?

I fear that I will work so hard, spend so much money, and it will all be for nothing.  I fear that I will forever be the short fat girl.  This thought has always been in my head and even when I push it away, it comes back and I give up...again.  I have been on this road for years now, so I would have hoped to see myself losing but instead I have gained.  I find it hard to believe people anymore that say it will happen because their words just sound like words of pity to me, even though I know they mean well.

I think the problem I face that I can't break is that I am a visual person meaning that if I can't see the change, I feel like I am failing and I give up.  I have been trying to have patience but it is becoming an uphill battle that I am losing.  I just want to see something, anything but I don't and I just feel like giving up again and be done with it.

But I can't because if I do I might as way through my life away.

To not change would mean I will forever hate myself.

I've never really had high confidence in myself any confidence in myself, well maybe when I was a Lolita, and  I've always been pretty hard on myself from school to work to just life.  I always expect do thing right and not look foolish, so not losing weight is pretty crashing to me as you can imagine.  People have said for years to change your mindset but that's like trying to get coal to be a diamond, it's not easy and by no means quick.  It took a long time for me even to be ok with what I saw in the mirror.

So what does mean for me now?

No I'm not giving up but I have lost some of my will, besides I can't give up just yet I'm in a 6 month contract with my gym hehe.  Is this the feeling that others have felt in their own journey?  The feeling that after all the blood, sweat, and tears that they will have gone nowhere.  Well I guess if weight loss was easy we wouldn't be faced with an obesity epidemic.

~D